- Defend your hula-hoop TO THE DEATH.
- Pretend not to understand anyone... Then do the exact opposite of what you're told to... Then take a poo on the trampoline.
- No matter what Mummy says, you definitely can fit more than one toddler in a Fisher Price Cosy Coupe. My personal record is four. *smug face*
- If you've licked it, it's yours.
- If you've farted on it, it's Mummy's. (Try not to follow through - you'll need that for the trampoline.)
- Never go through the tunnel. It's a trap.
- Push all other toddlers over violently. Just because you can.
- Stand still for a long time, then run suddenly in a random direction for no reason. Just because you can.
- There's no activity* that can't be done whilst eating a banana. (*Applies to life.)
- Also. Just for today change the way you eat bananas. Skin first.
- At any point you could have that shaky egg taken away from you. To avoid this happening don't let ANYONE get within 3 metres of you whilst shaking it.
- Note to self: find out what metres are...
- Play-group is the perfect time to practice drinking out of big-girl cups. Mummy loves cleaning up your spills. She'd be bored otherwise. Plus Mummy said she was using the sippy cup for something called 'gin'...?!
- If you see/hear another toddler crying, this is your cue to join in as loudly and dramatically as you can.
- Shoes will only be removed for biscuits.
- Clothes will only be replaced for biscuits.
- Don't follow the teacher... Follow the mind goblins inside your ears who tell you to lick radiators...
- For every £3 you give the teacher, take £1 back when they're not looking... soon you'll have enough for a pony... And your own iPhone...
- There are many balls, but there's only one 'special' ball. You all know which one it is... No other ball will do... Use teeth if necessary. Reward yourself with a banana.
- If they can't get you back in the pushchair... you don't have to leave... EVER.
- Unless bribed with biscuits. Obviously.