Tuesday, 19 November 2013

How to Shop for Toddlers at Christmas


Firstly.

Forget anything you think you know about what they want and like.

Because that is guaranteed to be WRONG.

And WILL result in bleeding.

If you like your skin, teeth and hair where it is NEVER take them to Toys R Us with you. It is quite literally like attending a dog fight, but with vicious midgets, Iggle Piggle and Fisher Price branding... *winces* Learnt that one the hard way... And remember, just because they like it in the shop, does not mean they will like it when they get home. This also applies to people. Well. Daddy. (But then he can be a real twat sometimes.) Also. No matter what you buy them, your handbag still kicks the shit out of all of it. *whispers* I put knives in mine now... they don't expect that... 

Please be aware that the exact lifespan of a toddlers interest in AN-Y-THING is exactly 2 minutes 37 seconds. And goes like this. 'Ooh shiny... Ooh a box... Ooh something in the box... Not edible (slight nibbling to 'check'), face of mild disappointment... Ooh makes a noise... Wonder what will happen if I shit all over it and feed it to the sofa... Right bored now... NEXT!'  So think about that when deciding whether to buy them a iPad, or hide a slightly browned satsuma in a used sock... I'm an fruit-in-footwear girl every time... As a real treat, perhaps put all the 'red' quality street which no-one else likes in their stocking too. Along with some string. Lucky bastards.

I suppose what I'm really saying is just give them money. Then when they are not looking, take that money and buy yourself some f@*king vodka. And a Toblerone. And a vaginoplasty.

#HappyBastardToddlerChristmas
#OohShiny
#whenIsaidvodkaIobviouslymeantgin
#gin




Wot So Funee?

22 comments:

  1. Yep i like this post. I like all your posts as the usually involve or advocate the consumption of gin.

    This year i am the baby some wires and a cat with no teeth or claws and the 3yo i think would like a couple of diazepam.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes I've heard that diazepam is in the top ten toys this year for sure ;) I'm certain 'Santa' will provide you with some... Lol x thanks for reading :))) x

      Delete
  2. Love it. Though I suspect your timing is out slightly - 2 minutes and 37 seconds is about a minute more than my toddlers ever spent on well, anything...except perhaps filling their nappies.

    As it goes I have actually bought hubby gin for Christmas - proper posh Heston gin, but I might nick it before then ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well what's theirs is yours anyway right... Once you've released small people from ur body, all alcohol is urs no matter what. #fact lol x thank you for commenting xxx

      Delete
  3. Hi Helen, it was a pleasure to listen to your talk on Monday too - excellent, timely advice for all bloggers and indeed writers of any kind! There's fascinating material all around your site and you have a definite niche. It would be great to get you to come in and talk to my creative writing students perhaps next term, if that sounds good to you? Keep up the good work. Tom S.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Tom. That's means so much coming from you :) I would love to come in and chat to your creative writing students! Feel very honoured you would want me too. I will mail you at the address on your site. Thanks so much for the lovely comments, I will be in touch soon! H

      Delete
  4. Ha ha - that explains why my parents always gave me money for Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ... and why mine gave me gin... LOL x

      Delete
  5. This is the. truest. thing I have ever read.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol ;) x little buggers are all working together i reckon! pahahaha x

      Delete
    2. I do have a theory that they can psychically communicate. It would explain a lot!

      Delete
    3. lol ;) That. Or they actually invented twitter and we are all pawns in their sick and twisted mind game... mwahahahahaha x (or something) :)

      Delete
  6. yes we've had many a battle at Toys R Us!!! xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We don't go anymore... and we don't talk about it... lol! xx

      Delete
  7. Love this! I am a mean and horrible mother who has 1) only taken her 3.5 year old twins to Hell 'iz' Us once in their poor deprived lives (and bought nothing!) and 2) banned all toys requiring batteries (i.e. that made some brain-squelching noise or flashed) by the time they turned 18m. Result? 2 very imaginative wee girls who only require a blanket, a couple of cushions and an empty milk bottle to go on a mission to the moon and produce loads of good WTF moments for us to laugh about. They can have an iPad when they start earning enough down the pit to pay for it...and my gin habit. Nice to see something sane in amongst all the crazy "more is more" panic-buying I'm surrounded by right now! Will be back to read more!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ;) I agree! Mine is equally happy with a box or an envelope as she is with any expensive electronic toy :)) x thanks for reading and commenting xxx

      Delete
  8. Haha!! This is every toy in our house except Elmo. The amount of crap we found from under the sofa was unbelievable!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha x I know... how does it get there... #sofagoblins xx

      Delete
  9. Oh but you're all organised??! Or are those last year's presents? Please say they are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They're this years :) I'm not even sorry. lol *smug face* x

      Delete

How to Shop for Toddlers at Christmas


Firstly.

Forget anything you think you know about what they want and like.

Because that is guaranteed to be WRONG.

And WILL result in bleeding.

If you like your skin, teeth and hair where it is NEVER take them to Toys R Us with you. It is quite literally like attending a dog fight, but with vicious midgets, Iggle Piggle and Fisher Price branding... *winces* Learnt that one the hard way... And remember, just because they like it in the shop, does not mean they will like it when they get home. This also applies to people. Well. Daddy. (But then he can be a real twat sometimes.) Also. No matter what you buy them, your handbag still kicks the shit out of all of it. *whispers* I put knives in mine now... they don't expect that... 

Please be aware that the exact lifespan of a toddlers interest in AN-Y-THING is exactly 2 minutes 37 seconds. And goes like this. 'Ooh shiny... Ooh a box... Ooh something in the box... Not edible (slight nibbling to 'check'), face of mild disappointment... Ooh makes a noise... Wonder what will happen if I shit all over it and feed it to the sofa... Right bored now... NEXT!'  So think about that when deciding whether to buy them a iPad, or hide a slightly browned satsuma in a used sock... I'm an fruit-in-footwear girl every time... As a real treat, perhaps put all the 'red' quality street which no-one else likes in their stocking too. Along with some string. Lucky bastards.

I suppose what I'm really saying is just give them money. Then when they are not looking, take that money and buy yourself some f@*king vodka. And a Toblerone. And a vaginoplasty.

#HappyBastardToddlerChristmas
#OohShiny
#whenIsaidvodkaIobviouslymeantgin
#gin




Wot So Funee?

22 comments:

  1. Yep i like this post. I like all your posts as the usually involve or advocate the consumption of gin.

    This year i am the baby some wires and a cat with no teeth or claws and the 3yo i think would like a couple of diazepam.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes I've heard that diazepam is in the top ten toys this year for sure ;) I'm certain 'Santa' will provide you with some... Lol x thanks for reading :))) x

      Delete
  2. Love it. Though I suspect your timing is out slightly - 2 minutes and 37 seconds is about a minute more than my toddlers ever spent on well, anything...except perhaps filling their nappies.

    As it goes I have actually bought hubby gin for Christmas - proper posh Heston gin, but I might nick it before then ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well what's theirs is yours anyway right... Once you've released small people from ur body, all alcohol is urs no matter what. #fact lol x thank you for commenting xxx

      Delete
  3. Hi Helen, it was a pleasure to listen to your talk on Monday too - excellent, timely advice for all bloggers and indeed writers of any kind! There's fascinating material all around your site and you have a definite niche. It would be great to get you to come in and talk to my creative writing students perhaps next term, if that sounds good to you? Keep up the good work. Tom S.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Tom. That's means so much coming from you :) I would love to come in and chat to your creative writing students! Feel very honoured you would want me too. I will mail you at the address on your site. Thanks so much for the lovely comments, I will be in touch soon! H

      Delete
  4. Ha ha - that explains why my parents always gave me money for Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ... and why mine gave me gin... LOL x

      Delete
  5. This is the. truest. thing I have ever read.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol ;) x little buggers are all working together i reckon! pahahaha x

      Delete
    2. I do have a theory that they can psychically communicate. It would explain a lot!

      Delete
    3. lol ;) That. Or they actually invented twitter and we are all pawns in their sick and twisted mind game... mwahahahahaha x (or something) :)

      Delete
  6. yes we've had many a battle at Toys R Us!!! xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We don't go anymore... and we don't talk about it... lol! xx

      Delete
  7. Love this! I am a mean and horrible mother who has 1) only taken her 3.5 year old twins to Hell 'iz' Us once in their poor deprived lives (and bought nothing!) and 2) banned all toys requiring batteries (i.e. that made some brain-squelching noise or flashed) by the time they turned 18m. Result? 2 very imaginative wee girls who only require a blanket, a couple of cushions and an empty milk bottle to go on a mission to the moon and produce loads of good WTF moments for us to laugh about. They can have an iPad when they start earning enough down the pit to pay for it...and my gin habit. Nice to see something sane in amongst all the crazy "more is more" panic-buying I'm surrounded by right now! Will be back to read more!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ;) I agree! Mine is equally happy with a box or an envelope as she is with any expensive electronic toy :)) x thanks for reading and commenting xxx

      Delete
  8. Haha!! This is every toy in our house except Elmo. The amount of crap we found from under the sofa was unbelievable!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha x I know... how does it get there... #sofagoblins xx

      Delete
  9. Oh but you're all organised??! Or are those last year's presents? Please say they are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They're this years :) I'm not even sorry. lol *smug face* x

      Delete